Dear Caveman,
I’m in my early 30s now and believe it or not, I have not had a girlfriend since high school. I’m not very good looking but I don’t think I’m ugly, and I thought that as a foreigner I’d be more attractive to women here. While I’ve made several lady friends here, none of them seem interested in dating me.
There was one girl I really liked and I even pursued her with flowers, opened doors for her, took her to dinner, things like that. I actually thought we were dating but one day she told me she met a guy, some dickwad she couldn’t wait to tell me about, so I guess I’m in that dreaded friend zone.
Nice guys always finish last, and I think that’s my problem: I’m a nice guy. That’s just who I am. Should I stop being myself and become a jerk? I’m not even sure how to do that. Can you help?
Sincerely,
Too Nice
Many girls are wired to want what they can’t have. The point of these steps is to make her want your attention.
Dear Too Nice,
Becoming a jerk may or may not help you get laid, but in your case it couldn’t hurt to try. Forget that “be yourself” crap. It’s for children with low self-esteem and adults who refuse to better themselves. If you think that your problem is that you’re too nice, then you know it’s something you gotta change.
Being a jerk is an art that takes time to perfect, but it has numerous benefits. When you’re a jerk, you can be direct with people and say what you think. Anything nice that you do for someone is a whole lot more meaningful, and girls want you more. Plus it’s just plain fun.
Now, let the Caveman help you get started in your transformation from nice guy to jerk.
The Caveman’s Guide to Becoming a Jerk v1.0
Before you perform any of these steps on a girl, be sure that you’re in a casual environment where you’re allowed to have fun. And this goes without saying but make sure you’re properly groomed! On with the steps.
1. Lie to her. Tell outrageous lies that make her laugh out of disbelief.
2. Make fun of her. But keep it to just one line about something negligible. Don’t make her cry.
3. Say no to her. Whatever she wants from you, say no, even if you’ll comply.
4. Ignore her. Talk and laugh with her friend instead. Make her wonder why.
5. Give her your number. Don’t ever ask for her number. Let her call you instead.
Many girls are wired to want what they can’t have. The point of these steps is to not give her the attention that all guys give her, and thereby make her want and work for your attention. If these steps don’t work on one girl, they’ll work on another. Have fun, jerk.
Ooga Booga,
The Caveman
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