Q:
Dear EE,
My girlfriend and I have been together for about a year and a half. We are in our late 20s, early 30s. We both are feeling pressure to get married and start a family. Her biological clock is booming! Here’s the thing: she’s not the one.
On so many levels she’s everything a guy could ask for. She is smart, supportive, loving, attractive and funny. At this point in time however if she was the one, I’d know it. I’d be planning on how I was going to propose. I’d be looking forward to moving in with her and not filled with apprehension and dread.
She has a lot of abandonment issues from her childhood and she told me that this is only the second healthy relationship she’s ever had. She is emotionally frail in this regard. I’ve already tried to end it but it didn’t take. I was honest and told her that I just didn’t think we were meant to be together. She instantly started hysterical crying and wailing in pain. She convinced me to try to work it out but there really isn’t anything to work out. So I’ve been living a lie for about a month. The longer this goes on the worse it’s going to be.
So I need advice. How do I tell a woman who has on all accounts been a wonderful girlfriend that the future she has been imagining, the kids she has been seeing in her mind, the future she has been planning with me, is over? How do I crush one of my best friends and walk away?
Thanks,
J
A:
Dear Gee,
Tell her you’re gay. Just kidding! Tell her you made out with her mom. Kidding!!!
You are correct not to waste both of your time by prolonging this relationship. Here is what I think. There are two ways — the easy way and the hard way. You can pick one. Either one is fine and will get the deed done.
The hard way: Sit her down in a nice, fancy restaurant. Don’t go to some park and private area where she can beat the crap out of you. Give it to her straight but apologetic just for the formality. She will get hysterical but the fancy restaurant will restrain her just a bit. One thing you must accomplish during the conversation is to tell her that she cannot communicate with you for at least three months. If she does, you will not answer any of her phone calls or emails. Tell her it is for her own good. As long as you can handle some public humiliation, you should get out of this by a meal. Just tip the waitress well and pay for any broken glasses.
The easy way: Tell her you cheated on her several times. She will break up with you first. Done! Give her the “it’s not you, it’s me” speech.
In short, cutting off the communication is the key to a successful excommunication. There is no easy way out. You can’t have the cake and eat it too. Move on or stay down.
Good Luck,
EE
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